I could not have picked a better day to start writing about my trip. The sun is beaming, the birds are chirping, and I’m surrounded by loving relatives who I have not seen in about 6 years. Oh yes and its Valentine’s Day!
After sitting in the rays for 20 minutes straight in the backyard, I feel rejuvenated and hot! Thankfully I just have to move my chair a few metres and I’m under a palm tree. Its been a long time since I’ve traveled for vacation, though I recognize that this time I have off is much more than a vacation from work. It’s a vacation from everything and everyone, and it’s definitely not the kind of vacation where you lay around and do nothing all day. As of tomorrow I am engaging in an intense, life changing experience. I’ll be joining about 60 other aspiring yoga teachers and yogis at a lecture space in Los Angeles. I feel a bit sick to my stomach when I try to imagine what it will be like, but I won’t let my nerves and mind get the best of me. My efforts to practice my intentions on fear and compassion, (See post from Feb 13th, 2013.), include putting aside this protected time for self-reflection.
What am I afraid of?
Well for one, I feel like an imposter – am I deceiving myself thinking I can quickly learn and confidently teach yoga? I start to think, I shouldn’t be here, and question whether or not my practice is “good enough”. Will I have the strength to power through this training program without embarrassing myself? Heh…interesting how putting down these feelings and thoughts on paper reveals how negative I am being and how they are just words that are not serving me well. Lets try again…I’m so grateful to be here because I really want to be here. I can’t wait to add this practice to my life, whether at home alone, at work with clients and colleagues, or the greater community in which I live. How lucky am I?!
I’m also afraid of forgetting the teaching script or screwing up my presentation! I fear the butterflies in my stomach will fly up into my throat and head causing me to freeze in front of a captive audience. Yes, I know there are no butterflies in there…its just that I’m so nervous!
…I had to put my pen down as I was writing this to take a few “yogic breathes”. My breathing will surely help me maintain calmness. Nothing is stopping me from breathing…
And lastly, I find that I am comparing myself to others – people who I know absolutely nothing about. I think to myself, I’m less experienced/flexible/advanced than others who will be at training. These notions are unsubstantiated. I think the practice of being non-judgmental starts with me not judging myself. I can do this!
This reflective exercise has been very helpful (Thanks D.C., xo). I will stay with my breath from here on in and enter tomorrow with an open heart and mind. One of my teachers from my home studio left me a very thoughtful card before I left for LA. I had trouble connecting to what was written on the front of card until now. What I am doing takes courage…”small steps, big heart, one breath!” Thanks for all of the support to date. ❤