Trying to make sense of it all

7 Mar

I’ve been exposed to some radical perspectives over the last several days, some of which have challenged my thoughts and past reactions. These lectures have taken me back in time (I’m talking centuries ago!) and have given me a deeper understanding of yoga philosophy and tradition. I’m savoring every moment, not letting my mind drift away with the street noise. I’m reminded of my time in graduate school – I’m enjoying the time I have to “think”.

Something is different about me, something I can’t see. I’m not sure how I will be when I return home. Thinking about it makes me see that the world mostly focuses on fast forward or rewind. What’s happened to the “play” and “scene-by-scene” option?

A friend told me a few days into training that I would be leaving with tools and a different perspective. Two nights ago I shared my growing concerns about going home to another friend who then replied: “you’re going home a better person.” They’re right. This experience has made me realize that I can be different in the way I relate to myself, the people around me, and the world. What does that mean? Well I think I’m still trying to figure it out but to start I know I can:
- hit that play button and be present
- flip negative perspectives by looking at what I’m grateful for in my life
- practice self-love
- feel sensations or emotions but not judging whatever comes up
- actively listen
- know that everything is impermanent
- start working on my response vs my reaction in relationships that are important to me

I can only change who I am, and maybe from the choices I consciously make I can make the world a better place.

If you have any questions about anything I’ve written to date, please leave a comment. :)

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Break a leg

7 Mar

A few days ago, I taught a section of a 60-minute class and also provided hands on adjustments (before and during my teaching) to 30 of my fellow trainees in the hot room.

The pressure was on (a pressure I placed on myself)…I wanted to project my voice and remember all of the details discussed in class. My evaluator was also someone I knew and someone I highly respect from back home, so initially, I was pretty anxious. What was she going to think of my teaching style? I paid attention to my breath, observed my thoughts, and felt my stomach churning. I knew I had 2 options: 1) I could channel my anxiety (while it was low enough) into my teaching and conquer my fear; or 2) let the fear take complete control of me. I really only had one option. I took deep breaths as I laid down in the first savasana of class, my attempt to trigger a parasympathetic response in my body.

I was trembling when I got up to do hands on adjustments. Walking around these actively engaged, yet fatigued, bodies reminded me that in another 12 minutes it would be my turn to teach. I could feel and see my peers responding to my anxiety as I circulated in the room. I didn’t want to transfer this uneasiness and lack of confidence into their practice. I closed my eyes, grounded my feet and focused my mind on the breath, my peer’s instruction, and the postures around me.

A few moments later, I unclasped my sweaty hands, brought my arms along side my body and with a proud chest began to teach.

Authenticity

I taught from a place of love – the love for a practice that has brought a sense of peace, self-acceptance, and joy into my life. It was exciting! I wanted to share my own experience of each posture, what it could be! My teacher was right, the knowledge was in the bodies I was watching and within every cell of my body. I wanted my peers to find ease in these asanas. I was amazed at how the words just flowed from my lips.

I love teaching yoga. It’s different from lecturing 300 students or facilitating small group learning about nursing theory. The teaching for me meant being authentic (my true self); something I hope to carry forward into other teaching/learning environments.

Walking around, observing focused breath with movement, and being a guide to others is an incredible privilege!

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Tidal Waves

28 Feb

This week my emotions and thoughts have been all over the place. I’ve gone from being down in the dumps to feeling exhilarated to experiencing periods of bliss and joy. Unfortunately for me these dips and lifts come in waves throughout the day. I desire more periods of neutrality which I often can find on my yoga mat. These emotions are coupled with both negative and positive thoughts about myself and how I interact with my surroundings. Once again I am relieved and feel grounded knowing that I’m not the only one going through this state of turbulence. Phew!

I miss my family/friends and at times, I am exhausted. I frequently find that after the second asana of the day I am recharged and ready to sit and learn more about the human body or hear stories from our teachers. Did I mention how beautiful and amazing the human body is?

Those of us who are allowing ourselves to connect with our experience(s) are vulnerable, and are scared of rejection. I think many of us are very grateful for the safe space that has been provided and for the mutual love, understanding and support. I love my sangha.

Although I’m still battling with my inner dialogue about self-judgment and expectations of how I should be, I am now more conscious of it than I ever have been. I think that’s a large step forward for me.

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Letting go

23 Feb

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It’s 5:40am…we’re walking into darkness listening intently for the sound of crashing waves. My roommate and I arrive to the coast. She suggests taking off my shoes and socks to get really into it. I do it, even though I think its a terrible idea. I’m already here so I might as well. It’s freezing, but she’s right I’m feeling it. We step a few metres away from each other and let go. I repeatedly scream hard, long and loud. I start thinking of the load I’ve been carrying in my body/mind and the internal dialogue that’s been holding me back from being my true self. Damn, does it feel great to finally let it go. The best releases come from standing up proud and sticking my chest out (in tadasana) I’m not afraid. I am good enough.

As we sit back on the beach trying to regain the sensations in our frozen little feet we look out…inhaling new possibilities, exhaling the past. We catch glimpse of a dolphin and laugh hysterically at one another as the sun slowly creeps in and brings a gentle glow to the beach.

Thanks SB for being with me today. Xo

Tips for those adventurous types who wish to relieve stressors/emotional baggage at the beach:
- arrive early (at least 1 hour before sunrise)
- wear warm clothes (layer it up!)
- if you plan on taking off your shoes/socks bring extra socks or warm boots
- write down or reflect on a challenge you’re trying to overcome
- scream like you’ve never screamed before
- give it 110%

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What am I afraid of?

21 Feb

We’ve been practicing silence every morning from the moment we wake until the end of our first asana practice. I’ve already noticed a shift in my yoga practice in that I’m observing my thoughts much more than before. The hard part is not letting them guide me but staying neutral (nonjudgmental) and letting them just pass by like clouds in the sky. I’m sticking to breath. I love the practice of silence because it enables me to take my practice of concentration and breathing off of the mat.

We’ve had a few classes that have helped us to identify and begin to face personal challenges. Personal challenges being things that have stopped me from pushing forward or have held me back from being myself. Things, people or situations that I fear. Through this process I discovered my negative self-talk.

I was startled by these thoughts in my first attempt at practice teaching to a group. My thoughts were loud and repetitive to the point that my posture was caving in and my speech was paralyzed when it was time to teach. I thought to myself – I’ve lectured to large groups in the past, what’s going on here? In discussions with my teachers post class, I have learned that it’s more than just being a content expert. Its the ability to connect with the individuals in the room. This type of teaching is not something you can just make up or fake your way through. Teaching must be authentic for growth of the student and teacher. My negative thinking in this context also helped me to reflect on my actions and on my relationships in various settings. What am I afraid of? What purpose do these thoughts have? They’re damaging me, not motivating me.

It bothers me to think that most other people are held back because of such negative thoughts driven by fears or thoughts about the future or past. It also makes me sad that we as a society are so out of touch with the present (here and now)…what’s actually real.

My emotions continue to be all over the place, but I won’t cling on to these sensations for long. Just experience them and then let go.

I’m left wondering: how do I want to be?

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Let the Teacher Training begin!

19 Feb

Wow… I’ve had an amazing first few days here at Moksha Yoga Teacher Training LA 2013! During this time, I’ve been getting to know the other 60 trainees, the Moksha co-founders, the organizers and a number of experienced teachers who practice at the local studio as well. Since introductions on Day 1, I have felt a bond with the people here. It’s really beautiful. Many of the trainees have expressed, and thankfully, continue to openly express their personal fears about starting this trek. It’s been validating, reassuring, and it has helped me let go of my fears too. Its exciting to sit among my peers, who like me, really want to be here.

I’ve never been in a lecture space where the students are so engaged! This is due to the fact that the teachers are grounded, genuine, passionate and therefore inspiring. As they start to lecture you see a crowd form around them; we’re like children eagerly waiting in anticipation for the next part of the story and clinging on to every last word. Even more illuminating for me is what we’re talking about! We’re discussing such simple things in our everyday world that, in my opinion, we’ve forgotten about and sometimes take for granted. I’m unlearning in some ways, recognizing that these simple things (like breath awareness and ecology) are actually incredibly profound. If we would only spend a little more time paying attention and being present in the here and now.

I’ve also been experiencing a lot of intense emotions, primarily expressed thru tears in my final savansana or during deep discussions with fellow trainees. These tears are an expression of my joy and gratitude. I love my life!

My initial practice in the Moksha Yoga LA studio was devoted to the many people who have made it possible to be here. I would list all of your names but worry that I would probably forget someone! So instead I will just say my “thanks” here and send my love to each and every single one of you.

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Just breathe…

14 Feb

I could not have picked a better day to start writing about my trip. The sun is beaming, the birds are chirping, and I’m surrounded by loving relatives who I have not seen in about 6 years. Oh yes and its Valentine’s Day!

After sitting in the rays for 20 minutes straight in the backyard, I feel rejuvenated and hot! Thankfully I just have to move my chair a few metres and I’m under a palm tree. Its been a long time since I’ve traveled for vacation, though I recognize that this time I have off is much more than a vacation from work. It’s a vacation from everything and everyone, and it’s definitely not the kind of vacation where you lay around and do nothing all day. As of tomorrow I am engaging in an intense, life changing experience. I’ll be joining about 60 other aspiring yoga teachers and yogis at a lecture space in Los Angeles. I feel a bit sick to my stomach when I try to imagine what it will be like, but I won’t let my nerves and mind get the best of me. My efforts to practice my intentions on fear and compassion, (See post from Feb 13th, 2013.), include putting aside this protected time for self-reflection.

KamaLA

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What am I afraid of?
Well for one, I feel like an imposter – am I deceiving myself thinking I can quickly learn and confidently teach yoga? I start to think, I shouldn’t be here, and question whether or not my practice is “good enough”. Will I have the strength to power through this training program without embarrassing myself? Heh…interesting how putting down these feelings and thoughts on paper reveals how negative I am being and how they are just words that are not serving me well. Lets try again…I’m so grateful to be here because I really want to be here. I can’t wait to add this practice to my life, whether at home alone, at work with clients and colleagues, or the greater community in which I live. How lucky am I?!

I’m also afraid of forgetting the teaching script or screwing up my presentation! I fear the butterflies in my stomach will fly up into my throat and head causing me to freeze in front of a captive audience. Yes, I know there are no butterflies in there…its just that I’m so nervous!

…I had to put my pen down as I was writing this to take a few “yogic breathes”. My breathing will surely help me maintain calmness. Nothing is stopping me from breathing…

And lastly, I find that I am comparing myself to others – people who I know absolutely nothing about. I think to myself, I’m less experienced/flexible/advanced than others who will be at training. These notions are unsubstantiated. I think the practice of being non-judgmental starts with me not judging myself. I can do this!

This reflective exercise has been very helpful (Thanks D.C., xo). I will stay with my breath from here on in and enter tomorrow with an open heart and mind. One of my teachers from my home studio left me a very thoughtful card before I left for LA. I had trouble connecting to what was written on the front of card until now. What I am doing takes courage…”small steps, big heart, one breath!”  Thanks for all of the support to date. <3

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